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9 Key Points on How to Talk to Your Children About Sex: Empowering Guide for Parents of Teenagers

If you’re wondering how to talk to your children about sex, this guide will give you the tools, tips, and confidence you need to approach this topic with the teenagers in your life.

how to talk to your children about sex

As daunting as you may feel, talking about sex with your teenage children is crucial. Especially if you haven’t done it before. As a parent of a 14-year-old daughter, I find myself in the thick of it.

Don’t forget, becoming sexually active is a healthy part of our development. Right? And the fact is, this phase of our life is an opportunity to foster a healthy, open relationship. 

It’s never too early or too late to start talking about the things that are most important in our lives, so let’s get started.

This post is about how to talk to your children about sex.

1: Why It’s Important to Talk About Sex

The sex talk with your children isn’t just about the mechanics or the risks; it’s about providing them with a wider range of understanding such as self intimacy, masturbation, boundaries, relationships, responsibility, consent, trust and respect. Here’s why it’s essential:

  • Education and Safety: Educated teens are more likely to make informed decisions about their sexual health, reducing the risk of STIs and unplanned pregnancies.
  • Building Trust: Open discussions about sex can strengthen the parent child relationship. When there’s trust, it’s easier for your kids to approach you with questions or concerns.
  • Promoting Healthy Relationships: Understanding consent and mutual respect is fundamental to forming healthy relationships.
More Reasons Why Parents Should Talk to Their Kids About Sex

2: Preparing Yourself for the Conversation

Before you start the conversation, take some time to prepare yourself. You will feel more confident and be sure to provide your children with accurate information.

Educate Yourself

Understanding the current trends, terminologies, and scientific facts about teen sexual health will help. Some reliable sources are:

Reflect on Your Values

Consider what values and messages you want to convey. This is your time to reflect on your beliefs about sex, relationships, and consent.

I must say this has been super beneficial to me! Do this homework, and you’ll be able to communicate with your children more clearly and confidently.

Plan the Timing

Choose a relaxed, private setting for the conversation. Avoid times when either of you might be stressed or distracted. This is particularly important for teenagers because their hormonal change can affect their mood and mental state significantly.

If you feel that the time is not right, pause. Leave the conversation. But, make sure to bring it up again in the future. Also, aim to talk about it regularly, rather than trying to cover everything in one discussion.

3: How to Start the Conversation

Starting a difficult conversation, including this “bees and birds talk”, is often the hardest part. Here are some strategies to help you ease into it.

Use Media as a Catalyst

Television shows, movies, or news stories can throw opportunities for natural openings to the sex talk.

For example, if your teen follows Star Wars, you can bring up the topic of consent by asking, “‘What do you think about the way Han Solo backs Princess Leia into a corner and kisses her?’” Or, when your teen watches a TV show that deals with a sexual situation, you can use it as a starting point for your discussion.

Announce “Let’s talk about something new.”

If your children don’t ask questions about sexuality, or there’s no catalyst to help you start the conversation, take the “Let’s talk about something new” approach.

Try to engage with your children by saying “You know, there’s something we never talked about before. I think this is a good time.” or “I want to know what you think about it.”

“Remember when”

Do you remember if you had an opportunity to talk to your kids about sex in the past? If you do, bring that conversation back. Start by saying;

  • “Remember when [you asked me about…] / [I couldn’t answer your question about…]?”
  • “Can we talk more about it today?”
  • “Do you have more questions about that?”
  • “Have you thought about it more since?”
43+ Scripts & Facts You Can Use When Talking to Your Children About Sex

4: How to Talk to Your Children About Sex

Adjust to the age of your children

For young children, the information can be brief, factual and positive. But, for teens, it has to be more direct and detailed. It’s also very important to always use the proper clinical terminology for our body parts.

Tone plays a big part, too. The best way is to be authentic, direct and honest. Also, be light-hearted and show curiosity!

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Encourage your teen to share their thoughts and feelings. Questions like “What do you know about consent?” or “How do you feel about the way relationships are shown in your favourite series/episode?” can open the door to deeper discussions.
Here’s a 3-step process (from raisingchildren.net.au):

  1. Ask your child what they already know
  2. Add new information or explain things at the right level for your child
  3. Clear up any misconceptions

Listen

Actively listen to your children when they share their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Let them know that you care and are interested in seeing things from their perspective.

Share Your Experiences

Being honest about your experiences and mistakes, which can make the conversation more relatable. This approach shows your teen that you were once in their shoes and that it’s okay to talk about these issues.

However, this doesn’t mean you have to share everything.

Respect Privacy

Children may ask about your own sexual relations with your partner, and you don’t want to share certain things with your children. In this scenario, you should tell them that it’s private information between you and your partner. And, you don’t discuss these things with others.

Don’t forget, you expect your older children to do the same. We must respect each other’s privacy even in a family.

5: Topics to Cover

When talking about sex with your teens, ensure you cover the following essential topics:

Consent and Boundaries

One of the most crucial aspects of sexual education is teaching your teen about consent and personal boundaries.

  • Define Consent: Explain that consent is an enthusiastic, affirmative agreement that must be given freely and can be withdrawn at any time. This is a good video for you to watch and share the link with your children. “How Do You Know if Someone Wants to Have Sex with You?” by Planned Parenthood.
  • Respecting Boundaries: Teach your teen to respect their own boundaries and those of others. Encourage them to communicate clearly and assertively. When we engage in sexual activities, ‘Yes’ to one sexual activity doesn’t mean an automatic ‘yes’ to another. Stopping to pay attention to each other is the key. Never beg, pressure or guilt people into something that they don’t want to do. Also, we should never feel guilty, not-cool or not-good-enough when we say ‘No’ to something we don’t want to do.

Safe Sex Practices

Educate your teen about the importance of safe sex, including the use of contraception and protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

  • Contraception: Discuss the different types of contraception available, their effectiveness, and how to use them correctly.
  • STIs Prevention: Emphasise the importance of using condoms to protect against STIs.

Emotional Aspects of Sex

Sex is not just a physical act; it has emotional and psychological dimensions as well.

  • Healthy Relationships: Discuss that mutual respect, trust, and communication are the component elements of a healthy relationship.
  • Emotional Readiness: Help your teen understand that it’s okay to wait until they feel emotionally ready to have sex.
how to talk to your children about sex

6: Common Concerns and Questions From Teens

Your teen will likely have questions or concerns about sex. Here’s how to address some of the most common ones.

“How Do I Know If I’m Ready?”

Encourage your teen to consider their feelings and motivations. Are they feeling pressured, or are they genuinely curious and ready? Emphasise the importance of being in a healthy, respectful relationship.

“What If I Make a Mistake?”

Reassure your teen that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s important to learn from them. Offer your support and remind them that they can always come to you for help.

“What If My Friends Are Pressuring Me?”

Peer pressure can be intense during the teenage years. Equip your teen with strategies to handle it. For example, saying no firmly, changing the subject, or walking away from the situation.

7: Supportive Environment

Create a supportive environment for your kids. This is a key to having conversations about sex on an ongoing basis. Not a once-off. Here are some tips to foster a supportive environment.

Be Approachable

Let your teen know that they can come to you with any questions or concerns without fear of judgment or punishment. Here, Active Listening is the best thing you can do for them.

If you don’t know the answer to their question, it’s totally ok to say “I don’t know.” You can suggest that you and your child will find the answer together, or tell them that you will find it out and come back to them. Make sure you do everything to follow up.

Keep the Conversation Going

We want to make a breakthrough by normalising this conversation. This can be achieved by continuing to talk about it. It’s an ongoing conversation. Continue to check in with your teen and provide new information as they grow older, and their understanding deepens.

This also means that if your teen doesn’t want to engage with the conversation at any given time, respect their feelings. Suggest that you talk about it another time.

Encourage Professional Help

If your teen has questions or issues beyond your expertise, encourage them to speak with a healthcare professional or other trusted adults.

8: Handling Difficult Topics

Some topics might be more challenging to discuss, but they are equally important.

LGBTQ+ Issues

Ensure that your conversation is inclusive and acknowledges different sexual orientations and gender identities. Make it clear that you are supportive and open to discussing any questions they might have.

Pornography

Discuss the unrealistic portrayal of sex in pornography. Make it clear that porn often has a negative impact on people’s expectations and understanding of sex.

9: Resources for Further Education

Give your teen additional reliable resources so that they can continue their education independently. Or, add good books about the body and sexuality to your home library for you and your child. They can be a conversation starter or simply become a reliable source of information for your child.

Books and Websites

School Programs

Encourage your teen to take advantage of any sexual education programs offered at their school. These programs can complement your discussions and provide a more comprehensive understanding.

Are you interested in finding out what resources are used in the school sex education programs? Here is a page that includes Relationships and Sexuality Education resources for teachers in Ireland. You may find similar pages for the country you live in.

Wrap-up

When you think about how to talk to your children about sex, especially to your teenage children, you may feel nothing but negative feelings… like fear and nervousness. You are afraid that you might mess things up, but you know that it’s an important conversation.

I know exactly how you feel.

And, here’s what I’ve learned.

  • Approach the conversation with openness, honesty, respect, curiosity and even some humour.
  • Provide them with the knowledge and confidence they need to make informed decisions.
  • The goal is not just to educate them with reliable information. It’s also to foster a trusting relationship between your children, where they feel comfortable discussing any topic with you.
  • Be an approachable and askable parent.

As mentioned in the Preparing Yourself for the Conversation section in this post, equip yourself with the right method and information before starting the conversation. From my experience, this process will also contribute to your own personal discovery.

Sexuality should be talked about more because it’s the fundamental part of our being. With all the knowledge we gain every day, let’s guide our teens through the important aspects of their sexual development.

Learn how to talk to your children about sex in a supportive and informative way. You’re not only helping them navigate their teenage years more safely, but also strengthening parent child relationship.

Good luck!

This post was about the 9 key points on how to talk to your children about sex.

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