9 Practical Tips To Improve Mother Daughter Connection

The mother daughter connection? It’s both challenging and beautiful. For those who have it, you are blessed. 

There’s no shortage of mother and daughter bond quotes on the internet. No surprise here. According to a study published in Journal of Neuroscience, the mother-daughter relationship seems to hold the strongest bond when it comes to parent-child relationships, much more than mother–son, father–daughter, and father–son relationships.

But what if you’re not seeing the bond between you and your daughter, especially your teenage daughter? It brings me heartache when I think of my relationship with my mother because the mother daughter connection was lost with the start of my puberty.

This article helps you understand why you might be struggling with connecting to your daughter, and how the relationship can be improved.

This post is all about mother daughter connection and tips to improve it during hormonal transition.

1. Mother Daughter Connection

I came from an asian family where there wasn’t much communication or bonding. Looking at it now, I can tell that none of the family members had good communication skills. I don’t blame anyone for it though.

In my 20s, I moved to a different country in Europe where I noticed strong bonds in many families, especially in their mother-daughter and sisters relationships. They talk to each other a lot, go to places together, visit each other frequently, and phone each other all the time when they are living separately. I totally admired this.

However, although there is a cultural, societal or individual influence to each family dynamic, I believe that there is definitely a trend across the globe. A trend that indicates mother and daughter relationship is often closer than the ones we see in other relationship patterns.

Mother and Daughter Bonding Quotes

“A daughter makes a mother’s life brighter and the mother makes daughter’s life warmer.”
“Mother and daughter from the start. Best friends forever from the heart.”
“A mother’s treasure is her daughter.”

Difference Between Men and Women

What we first need to understand is that females and males function differently. Haven’t we all witnessed how girls’ friendships are different from boys’ friendships? Why do so many hetrosexual couples struggle to understand each other and end up being unhappy together? If you want to know more about the natural differences between men and women, I recommend reading “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by John Gray. This book is both insightful and practical.

How Women Connect

OK, let’s look at the way women connect. What makes the difference in female relationships, including mother-daughter relationships?

There are many possible factors that contribute to a close mother daughter connection. Our menstrual cycle is a big one. Know the 3 main female sex hormones and how their levels change throughout a cycle. People born female share this phenomenon whether they like it or not. They also often share similar life experiences, and mutual understanding of gendered societal roles. These factors may be part of fostering empathy and emotional connection.

“Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and-Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight” by Taylor et al. discusses how women often engage in “tend-and-befriend” rather than “fight-or-flight” behaviours, rooted in their biological and social predispositions. This factor can also influence close mother daughter connection.

2. Challenges in Mother Daughter Connection

Like any other relationships, mother and daughter relationship ebbs and flows. What are the mother daughter relationship issues?

Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationships

Hormonal Shift Clash

Puberty and Perimenopause –two of the major hormonal shifts in a female’s life. They are both crucial times of hormonal change which last for a few years (or more) before settling. Puberty and perimenopause affect our body and mind significantly, often with troublesome symptoms such as physical discomfort, brain fog, mood swings, irritability etc.

There is data from the United States that show mothers are having children later, and daughters are going into their puberty earlier than decades ago.
Later childbearing: Premier Health’s article says that childbearing age (the age when women are choosing to have children) continues to rise among women aged 35 and older.
Earlier puberty: The article also points out that females in the United States are getting their first menstrual cycle a few months earlier than 40 years ago and experiencing other physical developments up to two years earlier than decades before.

So, what does this mean?
“We are seeing households where mom is going through perimenopause and the daughter is going through puberty at the same time. This can have a significant impact on the mother-daughter relationship if steps are not taken to help avoid conflict that can arise from hormonal changes.” – Amanda Fox

Puberty

Most parents face challenges when their children go through puberty.

Most females enter puberty between the ages of 10 and 14, when they experience physical and emotional changes. Remember how you experienced puberty yourself? Well, personally, (due to lack of information, education and communication skills) I was in a mess! My mother had such a hard time as a result.

When females go through this season of major hormonal shift, they may be surprised, confused or sometimes scared about the changes taking place in their bodies.

“Generally, puberty is a time where they go from being a concrete thinker to one who begins to broaden their understanding of the world – how they think, reason and remember things”, “It’s also a time where conflict can arise. Adolescents may begin placing their friends first and family last and this can tend to create adversity, especially between a mother and daughter.” – Amanda Fox

Puberty is a natural process of development. According to Jeffery Allen, we try to detach our chakra cord from our parents at this stage of our lives to become independent. So, it’s healthy for our daughters to come across dismissive, self-centered or rebellious.

3. My Experience

As A Daughter

I never had an adult conversation with my mother, Kaori. That would be something I would have loved to do. 

She often said to me that she loved me, which I came to realise recently not all parents do, especially within the asian culture I grew up in. I used to love her smell when she held me. I was proud of her when she started her own business when I was about 9. My mother gave me the solid foundation for becoming an independent individual. We sure had a good mother daughter connection back then, and I feel blessed.

But, when I hit puberty, I felt like I was losing everything I loved about myself. I was confused, sad and insecure. I hated myself, started to hate my mother and stopped talking to her. I now call the first three years of my puberty “my darkest years”. About the time when I started to come around from the darkest place, my mother passed away. I never missed her actually. But for many, many years after, I was overwhelmed with guilt and regret.

As A Mother

I now have two daughters. When they were born, I wanted to give them the best foundation I could possibly give. It was a steep learning curve with a lot of frustration. On countless occasions, I felt I wasn’t good enough. Even now, there are many things I regret that I could have done differently.
However, looking at my 21-year-old and 14-year-old daughters today, I feel that I did a good enough job because there is an amazing mother daughter connection between us. There is love, trust and compassion.

My husband separated me from the children and our family home two years ago –he evicted me. I have been meeting my daughters once a week since. The frequency I meet them didn’t really matter to me, but it was truly painful when I heard that the youngest daughter was getting her first period. She was also very sick with high temperature at the time, and I desperately wanted to be there for her.

Here’s the thing though. I now wonder if the separation has worked better for us. If I’d succeeded in building a solid foundation for my then 12-year-old, maybe it’s better for her that I wasn’t around all the time. Could this be even the secret to our good mother daughter connection?

4. Tips For Mother Daughter Connection

To mothers, openness and trust is the key to better connect with your daughters!

You might say with a sigh, “It’s easier said than done”.

I get you.

Tip 1: Pause

If you are in the turmoil and feeling nothing will work, just pause and take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Remind yourself that you want the best for your child. And then, try to see if any of the following tips help you.

Do Your Homework

Tip 2: Generational gap, societal expectations and patriarchal structures

Take a step back and consider the generational gap, patriarchal structures, societal expectations and peer pressure. Can you imagine what your daughter might be going through? How about yourself? What is your true value? Has your value been influenced by traditional patriarchal structures, societal expectations and peer pressure? You might want to go deep here.

Tip 3: Understand the hormones

Educate yourself on female sex hormones (estrogen, progesterone and testosterone). This helps you better understand your body and be kind to yourself. It should also give you a good idea why your daughter is irritable or tired, which is often related to her hormonal change during the menstrual cycle. In other words, you can guess when is the better time to talk to her (probably between Day 10 and Day 15 of her cycle)!

Tip 4: Prepare yourself for sex talk

Remind yourself that you are the best person for your child to ask or talk about sex. Why? Read “5 Important Reasons Why Parents Should Talk to Their Kids About Sex”. If you find it uncomfortable to bring up the conversation, start small and gentle. Open questions often lead to finding out what’s happening in your daughter’s life. Talking about hormones and the menstrual cycle might be a good start for some people. 

Approach With Care

Tip 5: Write a letter

If there is resistance between you and your daughter, try writing a letter. You can take your time to express your thoughts this way. Yes, you may choose to send her a message on the phone, and that’s fine. But, I believe there is a power in putting a pen to paper.

Tip 6: Be a good listener

Understand and practice Active Listening –how to listen.
When your daughter is speaking, are you mentally preparing your response? This is the opposite to Active Listening. You may think and look like you’re listening, but in this case, you’re not fully present in the conversation. 
Active Listening means focusing entirely on your daughter’s words and her emotions. You don’t actually have to say words if it’s not necessary, and often, it’s not necessary. Active Listening makes your daughter feel heard and understood. It’s a skill you can learn by practice.
Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, nodding, and open body language play a crucial role, too. Lack of Active Listening is one of the common reasons why communication fails.

Tip 7: Seek professional help

For many mothers and daughters, the challenging time will pass without deep emotional scars. However, if you feel overwhelmed, need information, direction or reassurance, reach out to your local support group, your daughter’s school or therapists for professional help.
There are also lots of online support services. When it comes to finding good (& free) resources that specialise in parenting, tune in & explore platforms such as podcasts and youtube channels. Those platforms often provide practical advice and opportunities for you to ask questions.

Have Compassion

Tip 8: Keep talking

Keep talking, be open and vulnerable. “When you get that eye-rolling from your daughter, don’t take it personal. Give each other space and if you are stuck in a disagreement or struggling with something just give them a hug. Tell your daughter, what you need to understand for yourself: It’s okay when you’re not feeling okay.” – Amanda Fox

Tip 9: Watch your daughter sleep

This is from my personal experience, but I’m sure many of you relate to it. The peaceful moments like watching my daughters sleep helped me reconnect with feelings of affection and empathy, especially during challenging times in our relationship.
The opportunities would be when your daughter asks you to wake her up in the morning. Or, maybe when you see her fallen asleep on the sofa. Take a moment to watch her sleep. Remember your daughter’s vulnerability and the deep bond you shared when she was younger. Think how simple things like her sheer presence and health brought you joy. Ask yourself what’s most important to you and your daughter.

Wrap-up

The mother daughter connection? It’s both challenging and beautiful. For those who have it, you are blessed. 

There is a lot of learning and growth in it, especially during times of hormonal shifts i.e. puberty and perimenopause. It’s important to approach these moments with empathy, compassion and a willingness to understand.

What often makes a big difference is the accumulation of small gestures –bite-size honest conversation, active listening, quiet moment of hug etc. Ultimately, it’s about showing love and patience, cherishing the connection you share and celebrating your growth—one step at a time.  

This post was all about mother daughter connection and tips to improve it during hormonal transition.