What Does Forgiveness Look Like? 5 Life-Changing Truths for People Struggling to Forgive Others

Are you wondering, “What does forgiveness look like?” “How can I forgive someone who tore my life apart?”

During our mediation, my ex-partner said, “I can’t say ‘I forgive you’ because if I said that, it means I’m lying. I don’t want to lie to myself.” It was a hard pill to swallow, but I appreciated his honesty. I could see his struggle and told him it’s okay that he couldn’t forgive me.

Forgiveness can be an incredibly tough concept to put into practice. Why?
Because it’s about truly letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment. Often, we find it impossible to forgive other people’s wrongdoings. If this is where you are right now, you’re not alone. 

However, what if I told you that forgiveness is not about the person or the harm caused by them? What if I told you that it’s about healing yourself and finding your inner peace? Read on if you are struggling to forgive others.

This post is all about finding the answer to the question “What does forgiveness look like?”.

1. Deeper Meaning of Forgiveness 

So, the true meaning of forgiveness goes much deeper than releasing the hurt, anger and resentment.  

Through a conscious decision and practice to forgive someone, we will actually discover our own happiness.

It may be hard to look at it this way right now, but by forgiving someone, you reclaim your peace, sense of self and emotional freedom. You will feel lighter and know how forgiveness heals your wounds.

So, what does it mean to forgive someone? How can forgiveness heal our wounds?

2. Understanding Forgiveness  

First of all, if you are struggling to forgive someone, feel tension somewhere in your body. It could be your shoulders, arms, neck or anywhere. 

If you can’t feel it, imagine you are holding a fist tightly with anger.

The act of forgiveness is a gradual release. It’s like unclenching the fist after holding it tight for too long. All the joints in your hand might be stiff, and the skin may have turned red (or white), and you are gradually opening your hand. Take a deep breath.

How do you feel? Do you feel relieved?

Even though letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment is hard, forgiving someone is a gradual process and emotional journey. It will bring you to this amazing place of physical & emotional freedom and personal growth.

Maybe you find that thoughts and memories keep coming back to remind you of what/who caused the pain. You are still suffering from the pain. It’s hard, and the best thing for you to do is acknowledge them.

It’s also important to understand that forgiveness does not mean excusing the harmful behaviour, or pushing it aside and forgetting about it. Thoughts and memories may fade over time, but they will probably never go away.

So, forgiving doesn’t always mean repairing a relationship. In fact, some relationships can’t or shouldn’t be mended for various reasons. This is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Imagine forgiveness as cleansing & reorganising your inner world, but reconciliation is about whether or not someone deserves to re-enter that world.  

3. How Forgiveness Heals  

By now, it’s getting clearer that forgiving others is actually for your own benefit. Forgiveness is more than just a moral issue. Scientific study of forgiveness shows that forgiveness has tangible impacts on people’s health and wellbeing.

Over the course of a year, participants who underwent forgiveness therapy in the study evolved from experiencing clinical levels of depression to a non-depressed status. Offering forgiveness to others reduces clinical levels of anger and depression and raises self-esteem.

“That is just one example, among many, of people who have been brutalized by life, when they willingly choose to forgive, depression can go down, anxiety can go down, post-traumatic stress can go down, toxic anger can go down, and you know what goes up? Self-esteem.” -Robert Enright

So, studies like this tell us that forgiveness isn’t just an emotional act—it can lead to profound psychological and physical relief. Remember the image of gradually loosening a fist that has been held tightly with anger. 

Imagine yourself taking in crisp mountain air when you walk up a mountain. With each step, the air gets clearer, the space gets less crowded, and you are immersing yourself deeper in nature. You leave behind the suffocating atmosphere of unresolved pain. There is a feeling of lightness and healing, and this is how forgiveness heals us.

Can you envision how letting go of your hurt might help your emotion flow freely?

4. Common Myths About Forgiveness 

Now that you know the benefit of forgiveness, you may be starting to wonder exactly how to forgive the person who hurt you. But, do you still feel some kind of resistance?

This resistance could be coming from misconceptions of forgiveness. Many of us assume that forgiving the person can mean excusing the wrongdoing or letting our boundaries down. But this is far from true. 

Here are two common myths and the truth about forgiveness;

Myth #1 “Forgive and forget”

True forgiveness doesn’t involve forgetting the harm caused by others, but releasing the bitterness little by little. It’s not possible to wipe the memory away like deleting pictures from your phone, but gradually softening the sting of that memory.  

Myth #2 “Forgiving means condoning”

Condoning is like turning a blind eye or accepting the wrongdoing. This is not forgiving. Forgiving involves acknowledging your emotions such as anger and resentment, understanding the cause and situation with compassion, willingness & committed action so as not to repeat the same mistake.

It’s important to remind ourselves not to confuse the process of forgiveness to forgetting or condoning the behaviour that hurt us.The key is to move your focus toward yourself. Turn your attention inward… with great compassion. 

What does forgiveness look like? It looks like seeing your hands pushing the gate open gently. The gate was always there without a lock. You then take a step outside of the gate and realise that you’ve just freed yourself from the past. Even with the unhealed wounds that you still carry, there’s no heaviness in the air anymore. Your body and spirit feel so much lighter.

5. Self-Forgiveness 

Since I just mentioned self-compassion -being compassionate to yourself-, here’s something I want to add.

What if you’ve also hurt someone? I believe we all have, whether intentionally or unintentionally. After all, we all make mistakes, it’s part of being human. I have done lots.

Can you feel the guilt, regret and self-blame? I can, and it’s a bitter and really painful feeling.

When you hurt others, yes, you can ask for forgiveness. But, it’s totally up to them if they would forgive you or not. As you know, forgiving is not always an easy task for anyone. You can’t force them to forgive you either. So, if you only focus on their forgiveness, it’s hard to let go of what happened and move on.

If you are feeling the weight of guilt and regret, practise self-forgiveness. Like forgiving others, self-forgiveness is about allowing yourself to heal without forgetting your mistakes.

It’s a practice that may take time. But, it’s an essential practice for you to shed the old layer of clothes one by one, move the needle and seek true happiness in the rest of your life. 

According to Melissa Foynes, PhD, steps for the practice of self-forgiveness are;

I believe that learning how to forgive yourself is one of the most important life skills. It helps you see how forgiveness heals ourselves and others.

Wrap-up

Like any other life skills, learning how to forgive yourself and others takes practice. It can also be seen as a journey where you don’t get to the destination quickly. Once you accept that, remember to be kind to yourself and approach that gate.

Would you lift your hands and push the gate open?

It’s up to you.

You might be still in turmoil and in great pain, just feeling too vulnerable. There may be some resistance inside of you. That’s okay. We all move on in our own time.

But, sometimes we need a little push from behind. I hope this post is the little push that you may need to start your forgiveness journey.

In our next conversation, we’ll explore whether our decision of forgiveness is truly for our inner peace or a transnational act in our relationships.

This post is all about finding the answer to the question “What does forgiveness look like?”.