5 Essential Steps of How to Forgive Yourself and Move On After a Breakup
If you are struggling with guilt, regret and self-blame, it’s time to learn how to forgive yourself and move on.
Breakups are always hard because they bring us all kinds of emotions, usually negative ones. When we break up with our partners, it often leads to self-blame and emotional pain.
If you are a woman in your 40s and 50s, you probably know how to handle it… or do you? Did you know that forgiving yourself is essential for healing emotional pain and personal growth following a breakup? Did you know that without personal growth, you’ll put yourself under the risk of making the same mistake again?
Today, I will share 5 practical steps that guide you in forgiving yourself and moving forward. I’m walking the walk with you, stepping into a new chapter and celebrating a fresh start as I’m writing this.
This post is all about how to forgive yourself and move on after a breakup.
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Emotions
Here they are, they are here again.
It’s bedtime, and I’m sitting alone on the edge of the bed in a rented room. Guilt, regret, self-blame and every other emotion that brings up the bitter taste in my mouth… They are here visiting me again.
As a woman in my 50s, I’ve been through these kinds of emotions countless times in the past.
But, this time, they are accompanying the breakup of my 23-year marriage with my husband and feel much stronger, almost disruptive.
Dealing with the Pain
Many of us experience the negative emotions of guilt, regret or self-blame after a breakup. They are bitter, sour, unpleasant, painful and even disgusting.
It’s hard for us to cope with negative emotions, and we often try to ignore or suppress them… because we just don’t know how to deal with them.
When you are coming to terms with a breakup, you need time to heal yourself. And, there are steps you can take for a better outcome.
The important first step is to acknowledge negative emotions such as guilt, anger, regret or self-blame. This step opens the door for you to forgive yourself and move on. If you avoid or suppress these emotions, you are only delaying the healing process.
So, how do we do that?
Label Your Emotions
Words are powerful. So, let’s harness that power.
And, here’s the most important thing I want you to try.
Detach yourself from your negative emotions. Try to step back, look at them and label them without judgment.
For example, say to yourself;
“This is guilt.” instead of saying, “I am guilty of…”
“This is regret.” instead of saying, “I wish I didn’t…”
“This is anger.” instead of saying, “I am angry.”
Speak aloud to validate your feelings.
Acknowledge the presence of your negative emotions while detaching yourself from them.
Journaling your emotions can also be a great way to acknowledge your emotions. Putting a pen to paper often has a tremendous effect on our healing process.
Step 2: See the Emotional Barriers
See those negative emotions you are now acknowledging?
They are stopping you from forgiving yourself. Guilt, shame and self-doubt are the common emotional barriers to self-forgiveness.
“I should have done things differently.”
“Maybe it was all my fault the relationship ended.”
We criticise ourselves with internal monologue like these, and with the feeling that we are responsible for the breakup.
Self-critical thoughts like these are causing inner conflicts within us because we know that it wasn’t just our fault. We are feeling bad about ourselves and blaming our partner (friends, family or environment) at the same time.
They also keep us stuck in the past because we are thinking and talking about the past by saying, “I should have…”, “I could have…” and “I would have…”.
So, seeing them as the “emotional barriers” is your next step. It’s an essential step for freeing yourself from these barriers because that’s where you can start your journey to forgiveness and a peaceful mind.
To summarise,
Step 1: Acknowledge your negative emotions
Step 2: See your negative emotions as the barriers to self-forgiveness
Let’s move on to Step 3.
Step 3: Set Inner Boundaries
When I mention boundaries, you may think about the boundaries we have with other people. But, I’m talking about internal boundaries here -the boundaries we set with ourselves. Setting internal boundaries helps us in the process of forgiving ourselves and moving on with emotional strength.
Boundaries are like rules, not everyone has them but they should, and your internal boundaries reflect your values.
After a breakup, we are in a vulnerable state with confusion, pain, negative emotions and inner conflict. So. setting internal boundaries is crucial after a breakup if you want to move towards the right direction.
Clarify the Boundaries
I want you to take a look at the negative emotions that you acknowledged and labelled in Step 1. Ask yourself;
- How can I limit the time that I spend dwelling on past mistakes, feelings of guilt and regret?
- What are the negative thought patterns that I have, and how can I interrupt them?
- Can I reframe my ongoing self-talk into a positive one?
- What are some self-affirmations that I can replace my critical self-talk?
Questions like these will clarify your internal boundaries.
You will have to constantly ask these questions because tough times come and go like waves. Also, the answers may not always be clear and may evolve over time. Keep reminding yourself to stay present and focused on the future.
Let Goals Determine the Boundaries
To me, the following two things mainly determine my inner boundaries.
One is to have goals and work towards them. My goals are personal and based on my values, so what aligns or doesn’t align with my goals determines the boundaries.
I work hard and keep myself busy to achieve my goals. So, this also means I don’t have much time to dwell on past mistakes and regrets. It leads me to positive thought patterns, too.
Another thing is to utilise self-affirmations.
Remember? Words are powerful.
I choose my words not only when I speak to others, but also when I talk to myself. Observe the words you are using. Are they positive? If they are negative, rephrase them with positive words. You can change any sentence/phrase to a positive one.
List out your affirmations, find inspiration in books, and search for more positive affirmations online. There is also an app called Superhuman Activations. I have been using it for a few months and find it great for elevating my mental state when I need. It gives a variety of audio tracks with a mix of motivational guidance, affirmations and music.
Recognising negative thought patterns, limiting your “past dwelling” time, and replacing critical self-talk with self-affirmation will help you set your internal boundaries.
Step 4: Practise Self-Compassion
When we acknowledge our past mistakes and negative emotions, and be kind to ourselves, we are on the path to self-forgiveness.
Being Kind to Ourselves is Self-Compassion
It means that you treat yourself with the same levels of compassion and understanding you would offer to your loved ones. In fact, many people (including me!) can do with more self-compassion. And, the good news is that it’s a skill you can learn.
If you followed Steps 1 – 3 above, you have a great foundation for practising self-compassion. Building on to this foundation, some example of self-compassion practices are;
Affirmations:
Use the affirmations you listed in Step 3. You might like to add new affirmations focusing on self-compassion, such as “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human.” or “I am worthy of love, forgiveness and respect.”
Tips:
- Affirmation is a powerful tool if you use it regularly. So, make it into your daily routine, at least at the beginning and end of each day. I set an alarm/reminder on my phone to remind me a couple of times during the day.
- Find a comfortable place without distractions, take a deep breath and focus on each word in your affirmations.
- You can also write your affirmation on a piece of paper over and over again as you say it.
Letter:
Write a letter to yourself. Express your kindness and understanding as you would to someone you care about. Maybe you can suggest things you can do to make yourself feel better and good for your wellbeing. For example, taking a long bath, cooking your favourite meal, going for a walk, etc. Writing a letter to yourself is a good practice for stepping back, looking at your being, emotions and situations from a third-person point of view.
Catch yourself in the moment of self-criticism. That’s the first step.
Look at the situation and your thoughts with compassion.
Say the affirmations.
Keep practising and you’ll learn to be kind to yourself. Be patient. Over time, you will see the effects.
The effects of self-compassion that dissolve guilt and allow healing to take place.
Step 5: Let Go of the Past
Letting go of the past? It’s easier said than done.
I used to struggle with letting go of the past, both good and bad experiences, big and small.
But, for us to move on, we must shift our energy from the past to the future. When we hold onto past mistakes, guilt, regret or even our glories, we are stepping away from new opportunities and growth.
Tools
All the work you have done in Steps 1 – 4 is exactly what you need to let go of the past: acknowledging your emotions, seeing the emotional barriers, setting inner boundaries, and practising self-compassion.
Just remember that it takes practice. Do them over and over again, and you’ll get good at it. It’s a skill we can learn.
Other tools that might help you let go of the past are;
- Rituals: Create a ritual to symbolise leaving the past behind. For example, writing down what you want to let go and burning it.
- Visualisation: Visualise the new chapter of your life, free from the weight of old emotions. Be brave and dream again. Take the time to reflect on your life and your values. Creating a bucket list can be a perfect way to get in touch with your true desires. This way, you can shift your mindset to focus on the present and future rather than the past.
- Immersion: Surround yourself with people who emit positive energy. Immerse yourself in uplifting/healing music and conversations from motivational podcasts. Make playlists of these audios that give you positive energy. Search for the resources (music, podcasts, videos etc.) that will lift your spirit. My favourite resource is podcasts in the areas of my interest such as personal development, health, digital entrepreneurship and adventure. When there’s a really good one, I save it and listen again.
The key is to focus on immersing yourself in the energy you want to be surrounded by. Check in with your feelings and keep bringing yourself back to that type of energy.
Letting go of the past is an act of self-love. It’s also the ultimate step we have to take when we learn how to forgive ourselves and move on.
Wrap-up
Here are the 5 steps of how to forgive yourself and move on after a painful breakup;
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Emotions
Step 2: See the Emotional Barriers
Step 3: Set Inner Boundaries
Step 4: Practise Self-Compassion
Step 5: Let Go of the Past
“Time Heals All Wounds” may not be true for everyone and everything, but a lot of time grief and pain lessen with time. Time can allow us to forget the past.
However, moving on after a breakup isn’t just about forgetting. It’s about facing and acknowledging the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s about learning how to forgive yourself and move on, to love ourselves so that we can open up to new possibilities.
So, take these steps, one step at a time.
After all, you deserve the freedom to move on and start a new chapter in your life. A new chapter filled with self-compassion, possibilities and adventure.
This post was all about how to forgive yourself and move on after a breakup.
