15+ Common Reasons for Sexless Marriage & Bonus Information About Vaginal Dryness
What are the reasons for sexless marriage? How can we bring sex back to a dead bedroom?
Many adults are living in sexless marriages. According to a 2022 study, approximately 7% of married adults in the United States reported not having sex in the past year (Psychology Today).
Losing physical intimacy including sex has a significant effect on a relationship. This post explores the reasons for sexless marriage, bringing clarity to the common issues that cause the problem. Becoming aware of the problem is the first step to find solutions.
As a woman, one of the reasons why I lost my sexual desire was the pain due to vaginal dryness. Can you relate? If so, keep reading because we’ll talk about it in the bonus section of this article and in my future post.
This post is about common reasons for sexless marriage & bonus info about vaginal dryness.
Definition of sex and sexlessness
Sex
I don’t define sex as an act focusing on intercourse or having orgasms. My definition of sex is connecting to a special person in a sacred space, physically and spiritually. Feeling safe, relaxed and maybe turned on. If you need a description of the “act”, think of all the things you enjoy as foreplay. Feeling every part of your partner’s body with every part of your body, eye gazing, giving and receiving massage, mutual masturbation etc.
I also love the expression “solo sex” or “self intimacy exercises”. You can call it masturbation, but again, the goal of solo sex isn’t having orgasms. It’s a sacred and safe space for you to give yourself pleasure, awakening all senses of your body –sound, smell, sight, touch, and taste.
Sexless
So, what’s the definition of sexlessness? There are multiple definitions of a sexless marriage such as;
- The couple has had no sex for a year or more
- The couple has sex less than 10 times a year
- The couple hasn’t had sexual intercourse for a month
Whatever the definition is, sexless marriage meaning a marriage where couples don’t engage in sexual activity for a long period of time. Some call it a dead bedroom relationship.
Another survey conducted in 2018 showed nearly a third (29%) of the respondents were in a “sexless’’ relationship, –no sex or less than ten times in the past year. For most couples in a dead bedroom, feelings of frustration, resentment and isolation builds up over time.
Why so many couples end up in sexless relationship?
Common Reasons for Sexless Marriage
Let’s take a look at what can cause a sexless marriage.
Health Issues:
Is there any medical or physical cause for the lack of desire for sex?
Pain makes it difficult to enjoy physical activity including sex. Physical pain can come from surgery, chronic illnesses such as arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, neurological disease, heart disease, stroke and more.
Hormonal changes can affect sexual desire and functioning in both women and men. For example, when estrogen levels decrease in women, it can cause vaginal dryness, potentially making sex painful (more on this in the Bonus section). Changes in testosterone levels can hugely impact men’s sexual functioning and desire.
Lifestyle can be the cause of the low desire for sex. Drinking alcohol excessively, smoking or taking recreational drugs can affect the desire. If you are not exercising or eating healthy, it can drive your sexual desire down over time.
Psychological issues contribute massively to the “not in the mood” state. This includes diagnosed mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. However, poor body image, low self-esteem, stress and burnout can also lower sexual desire.
Medications can have side effects that cause low sexual desire. Pain medications, antidepressants, hormonal birth control, blood pressure medications and H2 blockers are some examples of medications that may contribute to the issue.
Sexual trauma is directly related to sexual activity and a deep-rooted issue. Victims often suffer throughout their lifetime. The impact of sexual trauma can manifest in a number of ways in their sex life, including low desire for sex and pain during sex.
If you see possible causes of sexless marriage related to the health issues, speak with your healthcare provider. Educate yourself around the area of concern. This is the first step to finding solutions to the problem.
External Stressors:
Now, pause and reflect what has been happening in your life. Life happens around us, and it often stresses us out. Big events/crisis that can trigger a change in relationships are;
Demanding careers
Having a baby
Financial pressures
Changing jobs
Parental responsibilities
Moving house
Illness
Bereavement
Stressors like these naturally drain your energy, and for many of us, libido as well. We start to prioritise other aspects over our relationship and sex life.
Emotional Disconnect:
A romantic relationship grows and enters a new phase after the honeymoon phase passes. This is normal, but in this new phase, couples start to realise each other’s differences and flaws. They are challenged to accept it and grow together. It’s a tough phase of relationships, and the highest percentage of first marriage divorces happen at this phase (Bruce Muzik).
As a couple goes through this phase, it’s important to nurture emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is one of the most important types of intimacy because most of us need emotional intimacy to deepen physical intimacy, especially in long term relationships.
So, without emotional connection, sex tends to gradually decline. Without awareness and ability to address/communicate the issue, the distance between them grows. This is probably one of the most common reasons for sexless marriage to develop.
Unresolved Conflicts:
If you have ongoing disagreements or arguments, it can erode trust and intimacy, possibly creating dead bedroom resentment. It all comes down to our communication skills. If we can communicate well, it’s easier to resolve conflicts.
However, “communication is a delicate subject to many couples when they are afraid of how their partners would react. They don’t want to face conflict by sharing their truth or saying something that might be misunderstood. And, this is the exact reason why we end up bottling up emotions and feelings, which leads to much bigger problems within our long term relationships (Communication Intimacy).”
Solutions
As you can see, there are many possible reasons for sexless marriage. If you are in a sexless marriage, you’ve probably spotted more than one. It can be a quite complex and deep rooted problem.
However, bringing awareness to the problem and understanding the common reason for sexless marriage is the first step to find solutions. There’s a great article by Practical Intimacy on how you can solve this problem.
And, my quick recommendation is;
- Have open communication with your partner, go to couple’s therapy if you can.
- If you know the reason is related to health issues, talk to your healthcare providers for diagnosis and treatment.
- Review your lifestyle and see what changes you can make to bring sex back into your marriage.
Bonus: Vaginal Dryness
As a woman who gave birth to three children, breastfed them, were married & separated, and now approaching menopause, I must cast a spotlight on vaginal dryness. One of the many reasons why a marriage turns into a dead bedroom relationship.
Why It Happens
Vaginal dryness can happen at any age.
“Normally, the walls of the vagina are lubricated with a thin layer of clear liquid. This liquid is designed to keep the lining of your vagina healthy and elastic.
If you experience a drop in oestrogen levels, then this reduces the amount of moisture available which causes vaginal dryness. There are several reasons why this may happen.
Menopause
Childbirth and breastfeeding
Radiation or chemotherapy
Anti-oestrogen medications
Surgical removal of the ovaries
Insufficient foreplay
Antidepressants
Allergy and cold medications
An autoimmune disorder
Depression or stress
(Multi-Gyn)”
How It Affects Your Life
Did you have the proper understanding of vaginal dryness before you came here? Have you ever heard anyone talking about it? Maybe you are the lucky one who has family and friends you can openly talk to about sex and sexual health.
Sadly, I knew nothing about vaginal dryness until last year when I was 53. When I learned about it, it suddenly made sense why sexual intercourse became painful in my 40s. I believe there are millions of people out there who don’t have the proper understanding of the condition.
When you start to feel discomfort and pain during sex, it affects your sex life. But, that’s not all.
What makes thing worse is that, if you don’t know why it’s happening, or don’t know how to talk about the problem, it has a significant psychological impact on you and your partner. Both may lose confidence and start to grow the feelings of guilt, blame and rejection.
This was exactly how I was. I didn’t know what’s happening inside my body. I didn’t know how to talk about it. So, I didn’t talk about it. My husband didn’t want to hurt me, so sex happened less and less. Effects of sexless marriage on husband include feelings of rejection and decreased self-esteem.
Emotional distance grew between my husband and I. We had more assumptions and misunderstandings.
Treatment
Vaginal dryness itself isn’t usually an indication of a serious medical condition. So, you may want to try a vaginal moisturiser at home. I recently started using an over-the-counter moisturiser which doesn’t require prescription from my doctor. Another option is to talk to your doctor about a local oestrogen which is inserted into vagina to treat the condition.
As I am approaching menopause, I am preparing myself for other symptoms of Vaginal atrophy or Vulvovaginal atrophy (VVA). Part of my preparation is to educate myself on this condition and what medication is available. If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend “The Menopause Brain: The New Science Empowering Women to Navigate Midlife with Knowledge and Confidence” by Lisa Mosconi.
Because sex has been a taboo topic (even though the media and market is full of sex) and sexual health hasn’t been talked about enough in our society, we are embarrassed to seek help or to discuss even with our healthcare professionals. This has to change. We should take a lead in talking about sex and sexual wellness openly and seriously. Everyone should have good understanding in sexual health regardless of their gender, not just to help themselves but also to help their loved ones.
Wrap-up
Some couples are okay and agree on sexless relationships. That is beautiful, as long as they are connected emotionally and enjoy other forms of physical intimacy.
But, if sexless marriage is destroying your whole life, it’s time to investigate what may be the cause. Is it something to do with Health Issues, External Stressors, Emotional Disconnect, Unresolved Conflicts or combination of all?
Talk to your healthcare providers for diagnosis and treatment if the problem is related to health issues. Or, maybe you are already aware of your unhealthy lifestyle. If so, see if you can change it and bring sex back into your marriage.
Try to have open conversations with your partner. I know, this is probably the most difficult thing for many couples. But, it’s the most important thing.
Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse says to make sure you have this type of conversation outside of the bedroom (get her “Tips for Better Communication” here). Do seek professional help such as a relationship or sex therapist if you can.
Remember, you have already taken the first step to solve this problem –you’ve become aware of it. All you have to do now is to decide if you are going to find solutions or leave everything as it is. It’s up to you.
This post was about common reasons for sexless marriage & bonus info about vaginal dryness.
