[Part 3] 12 Types of Intimacy and Must-Have Tools Towards Rebuilding Intimacy in a Relationship

Rebuilding intimacy in a relationship is possible, even if it doesn’t look like it right now.
In this post, you will learn about the final 4 of the 12 types of intimacy:
9. Physical Intimacy   10. Crisis Intimacy   11. Spiritual Intimacy   12. Conflict Intimacy

We want physical intimacy, and we often look for a direct, quick fix. However, if you want to improve physical intimacy, you must know how to improve intimacy in other areas. Especially in a committed relationship.

Different types of intimacy in a relationship are intertwined. So, physical intimacy cannot be addressed separately from other types of intimacy.

In this post, you’ll learn some practical tips that I wish I knew when I was stuck in an unhappy marriage. So, look no further if you are feeling the need of rebuilding intimacy in a relationship with your long-term partner.

This post is about rebuilding intimacy in a relationship, focusing on Physical Intimacy, Crisis Intimacy, Spiritual Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy. This is [Part 3] of the 12 types of intimacy series. For the other 8 types of intimacy, check out my posts;
[Part 1] “12 Types of Intimacy and the Surprising Ways They Can Turn Your Unhappy Relationship Around” &
[Part 2] “12 Types Of Intimacy and How to Improve Couple Intimacy by Focusing on Specific Areas in Your Relationship”

Relationship Is A Two-Way Street

At the end of each post of this series, I suggest choosing one type of intimacy that you want to work on. Whether you do your “homework” (doing self reflection), or start working with your partner, the key to rebuilding intimacy in a relationship is to remind yourself that the relationship is a two-way street.

So, always ask yourself;

“Am I meeting my partner’s needs in this area of intimacy?”

Expressing your needs is important, but never forget to give your partner a chance to do the same.

Your Needs & Their Needs

We all have needs that need to be met. When it comes to a long-term relationship, many of us aren’t educated enough about how important it is to meet each other’s needs as a couple. We don’t really know the “dos and don’ts” of it either. If we did, we could avoid so much pain:

frustration, arguments, conflicts, resentment, anger etc.

We can and we need to practise the following skills for rebuilding intimacy in a relationship.

• Asking your partner in the right way for getting your needs met
• Understanding and giving your partner what they need

By communicating each other’s needs and building trust, you deepen intimacy. It may not be easy. In fact, it can be complicated and challenging. But with a shared effort and combined approach, you are coming together and collaborating as a couple.

Wouldn’t life be so much better this way?

Let’s dive into the final 4 of 12 types of intimacy… and make it happen!

9. Physical Intimacy

In part 2 of this 12 types of intimacy series, I mention that the word intimacy used to remind me of sex. Seemingly, it does the same for many people.

But, if you’ve read other types of intimacy in this series, you know that intimacy doesn’t only mean sex. Sex is a part of intimacy, an important part of physical intimacy.

Remember, intimacy is connection, a state where you feel close to your partner. We can physically connect to our partner by: Touching, Hugging, Kissing, Cuddling, Foreplay and Sex.

Rebuilding Physical Intimacy

So, where to start?

Take some time and think about how you want to talk to your partner about physical intimacy. Do some self intimacy exercises and get to know your body and its needs.

• What is working?
• What is not working?
• How do I choose my words so that I can show that I really care?

Now, bring it up to your partner. This can be difficult at the beginning.

Here’s a great tip from a specialist in this area. Emily Morse (Doctor of Human Sexuality) says to always talk about sex outside of the bedroom, choose time when you talk about it, and use a tone of curiosity. She offers a free download guide, “The Three Ts -Tips for Better Communication”.

Maybe you are afraid of initiating the conversation around sex? Are you afraid that it could lead to conflict? I used to feel exactly the same, and it’s normal.

If your partner doesn’t respond positively at the beginning, don’t be discouraged. Their initial thought might be “Is something wrong?” They might even feel offended. Stay strong and remind yourself why you need this conversation.

What plays a big role here is Communication skills.

It’s natural that people change as individuals and as a couple over time. That’s why regular check-ins are so important for a couple. Discuss your desires, fantasies, what you like and what you don’t like as your relationship develops. There are free online tools like Gottman’s Love Maps to get the conversation going.

When you are doing this, be mindful of the following communication skills explained in the Communication Intimacy section of my post.

• Listen Actively
• Be Very Careful Of How You Respond
• Tell Them What You Need Specifically
• Give And Get

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Why is there this kind of embarrassing, awkward feeling, and a hush-hush nature around talking about sex? That’s because we don’t know how to talk about sex.

I don’t know about you, but within the society I grew up in, sex and money weren’t something we talked about. They were “taboo” topics, and they still are. Because we don’t talk about it, we don’t have a deep understanding of our own body, sex and sexuality. We don’t even know how to talk about it. But think of it, aren’t they really a foundation of our existence?

I do believe that if my first husband and I had known more about our sexuality, and been vulnerable enough to talk about it openly, we would have still been together. Because of the lack of knowledge and communication, we couldn’t meet each other’s needs. Frustration gradually built up, which caused a lot of resentment… like a snowball.

Around the time when I started to realise what went wrong in the marriage, I came across an article “How to Deal With Sexual Frustration” by Blueheart. It was a big eye opener for me, and that realisation led me to create this website.

“How Would You Like Me to Touch You?”

Had enough talking? Let’s get physical.

There’s an interesting activity which helps a couple explore physical intimacy, and I recommend that you try it. The activity is called The 3-Minute Game, invented by Harry Faddis. In this video, Harry Faddis and Dr. Betty Martin (Chiropractor & Certified Sexological Bodyworker) talk about how this simple activity started and how to play it. It involves 2 people asking 2 questions to each other;

“How would you like me to touch you for three minutes?”
“How would you like to touch me for three minutes?”

This exercise would help couples initiate physical connection with clear intent. You’ll learn to make conscious decisions about what you can give or allow. It forces you to verbalise what is often unspoken physical interactions within a long term relationship. This exercise can also apply to non-sexual touch between 2 people who aren’t in a sexual relationship.

Strong Connection Between Other Types of Intimacy

Physical intimacy can’t be addressed separately from other types of intimacy. Take Work Intimacy, for example. If you don’t feel respected or equal in sharing common tasks at home, resentment builds up over time.

What happens then is that you don’t really want to physically connect with your partner.

So, in the process of strengthening other types of intimacy, your needs are gradually getting met. This creates trust and makes you want more physical intimacy in your relationship. 

10. Crisis Intimacy

How do you show up for your partner when they are hit by a crisis?

Crisis intimacy is where a couple builds a stronger connection by supporting each other through crises.

How you show up for each other has a huge impact on increasing crisis intimacy. There are different types of crises: the grief and death of a loved one, losing a job/business, being involved in an accident, being scammed, or losing trust in a friendship and so on.

When we see our partner facing a crisis, we want to help, be present and physically connect. But, we often feel inadequate or powerless, resulting in withdrawing from the situation or partner… because we don’t know what to do.

Remember, just being there for them as the significant other means a lot to your partner during the time when they are confused, may not be able to look after themselves, and are trying to navigate the situation.

Regardless of the type of crises, by supporting one another and standing together we find another level of intimacy in our relationship. When the crisis passes, many couples find themselves closer and more connected.

11. Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual means “relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things (Oxford Languages)”.

Building spiritual intimacy means sharing, acknowledging, respecting and supporting each other’s spiritual beliefs, which can be religious faith, but not limited to.

In an interfaith relationship (a couple with different religious faiths), this is even more important, and it can require a lot of effort. See this article by The Gottman Institute for communication tips for interfaith couples.

How we can work on spiritual intimacy vary from couple to couple because this is a matter related to “the recognition of a feeling or sense or belief that there is something greater than myself, something more to being human than sensory experience, and that the greater whole of which we are part is cosmic or divine in nature (Royal College of Psychiatrists)”.

Being true to your belief and sharing it with your partner might scare you if you are someone who is afraid of conflict. So, together, you and your partner need to create a safe place to discuss this.

Also, be sure to ask your partner what you can do to meet their spiritual needs. Show your understanding and support. Having spiritual intimacy provides a long-lasting hope and motivation in a relationship.

12. Conflict Intimacy

This surprised me and my partner when we first heard.

“How can conflict create intimacy???”

Well, we then learned that a couple can deepen intimacy and improve their relationship through conflicts if they handle their disagreements in a certain way.

How to Handle Conflicts

Many of us are afraid of conflicts because they bring negative, unpleasant emotions. But we all know that disagreements naturally happen, which potentially develop into conflicts.

It’s totally okay to disagree. But not knowing how to handle conflicts causes problems. So, when disagreements turn into a conflict, remember to;

• Acknowledge the conflict and be willing to work it out
• Allow each other to make mistakes in the process of communication (words, actions and behaviours)
• Stand with each other, instead of hurting each other

Reflect Your Own Doing First, Not Your Partner’s

Don’t wait for your partner to do something. Instead, reflect your own words, actions and behaviours. 
Ask yourself questions like these;

“Was I saying the wrong things?”
“Was I being defensive?”
“Was I fair to my partner?”
“What can I do to make up for the mistake I made?”

As soon as you notice that you made a mistake in the process of communication, jump right in and apologise by saying something like;

“I’m sorry, I said something that sounded horrible. Even though we don’t agree, it wasn’t right for me to say something like that.”
“I realise that I should have handled that better. I’m sorry that I made a mess, I didn’t mean to.”

It might be really difficult when you are in the middle of a conflict, but learn to lead and apologise for the mistakes you made. Here’s a tip: both of you should almost fight to see who can apologise first! Believe it or not, the more you do this, the more trust you build.

When you build trust, intimacy deepens because trust and intimacy go hand in hand.

So, that’s what conflict intimacy is. Deepening intimacy and improving relationships by overcoming conflicts together.

Wrap-up

I’d like to congratulate you on changing your life for the better by learning 12 types of intimacy! There are tons of resources and tools out there for rebuilding intimacy in a relationship, and I hope my 12 Types of Intimacy series will also help many people like you.

A well-nurtured, intimate relationship with your partner is one of the fundamental elements of a fulfilling life that you deserve.

As you know by now, rebuilding intimacy in a relationship requires you to be intentional and take action. So, here’s your next step.

• Out of the 4 types of intimacy in this post, choose one type that you want to work on.
  Is it Physical, Crises, Spiritual or Conflict Intimacy?
• Talk to your partner about it. Share this post.
• See if there is one that you can both agree to work on together.
• If you are single, identify the type of intimacy you know you need to improve.
  This is a great opportunity for you to prepare for the future. As you work on this, you will be putting the best energy out there to attract a healthy relationship.
• Focus on the area you have chosen, make plans, implement your ideas/plans, be patient and stay optimistic!

For the other 8 types of intimacy, see my posts [Part 1] & [Part 2] of 12 Types of Intimacy.

This post was all about Physical Intimacy, Crisis Intimacy, Spiritual Intimacy & Conflict Intimacy, with actions you can take for rebuilding intimacy in a relationship.